CHILD DISCIPLINE

The following paragraphs describe Dr. James Dobson’s philosophy on child discipline in a book entitled, “Dare to Discipline”. Our discipline philosophy align with his and are described below with a few of our own additions. Child discipline is fully explained in his book. You are referred there.

The discipline that children receive and the integrity of the family structure in which children are raised, are of enormous importance. Although exactly how you discipline your child can vary considerably, there are some principles of applying discipline that every parent should know and follow.

Define the boundaries before they are enforced. 

The most important step in any disciplinary procedure is to establish reasonable expectations and boundaries well in advance. The child should know what is and what is not acceptable behavior before he is held responsible for those rules. This precondition will eliminate the overwhelming sense of injustice that a youngster feels when he is punished for his mistakes and blunders. If you haven’t defined it, don’t enforce it! Be fair.

Teach obedience. 

When it’s time for your child to put down a toy or another item, avoid snatching it from them. Similarly, when it is time to move to a different location, refrain from forcibly picking them up and carrying them. Instead, give your child a reasonable amount of time to follow your verbal instructions. Don’t rush to move on to the next task. Remain consistent with your instruction and expectation of obedience until your child complies. Teaching obedience requires a great deal of parental patience.

Use your hands to gently guide them toward obedience. Gentle nudges can be very effective. While this approach may take more time initially, it encourages your child to voluntarily obey you. Besides childhood obedience being a mark of good character, it is also extremely important for your child's future in society. Whether it involves standing in line at school, obeying traffic laws, or interacting with police, obedience to certain laws and rules is necessary in our society. Failure to comply with rules in the future could have serious consequences, potentially even affecting their safety. You must teach your child to obey authority now, so that when it is required by society later, it will be a natural response.

Therefore, consistently expect obedience and accept nothing less. Don’t go on to the next thing until your child has voluntarily obeyed you.

When defiantly challenged, respond with confident decisiveness. 

Once a child understands what is expected, they should be held accountable for their actions. Most children will challenge the authority of their elders and test their right to lead. In moments of rebellion, a child may consider their parent’s wishes and willfully choose to disobey. Like a military general planning an attack, the child will assess the potential risks, gather their resolve, and confront their parents directly.

Some parents see temper tantrums—the screaming and crying fits that young children throw—as something that is beyond a child’s control. However, you must realize that a child knows exactly what they are doing during these fits; they are attempting to manipulate and control their parents. While confrontations are inevitable and normal, it is crucial for the adult to respond decisively and confidently when these occur. The parent must win. The child must learn that choosing to disobey and defy their parents will not result in any advantage to them.

When a child throws a temper tantrum in order to get their way, ignoring the outburst is probably the most effective strategy for parents. By not giving attention to the tantrum, parents avoid reinforcing the notion that such behavior is a way to manipulate the situation and rule their parents. A tantrum often serves as an attempt by the child to test boundaries. By calmly staying firm and not yielding to the child’s demands, parents convey that inappropriate behavior will not lead to the desired outcome.

Consistency is key; it’s important for parents to remain calm and collected, ensuring the child is safe but not giving in to their loud obnoxious demands. This teaches the child that tantrums are not an effective tool in getting what they want and encourages them to find more positive ways to express their needs or wishes. After the tantrum passes, parents can then support the child in discussing their emotions calmly and reinforce that cooperation and communication are the paths to getting their needs met. “Use your words,” is an effective comeback to a temper tantrum.

For other challenges to parental authority, if you choose to use spanking as a disciplinary method, always apply it gently to the bottom with an open hand. The bottom is a padded and safe area, minimizing the risk of harm. Beating, slapping the face, using instruments to strike the child, shaking, or other abusive actions should never be used. Moreover, never spank your child when you are angry.

If you choose to use corporal punishment for young children, this should end before a child reaches puberty when other methods of discipline should be applied like removal of privileges. 

Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. 

A child should not be punished for behavior that is not willfully defiant. When he forgets to feed the dog or make his bed or leaves your tennis racket outside, remember that these behaviors are typical of childhood. Be gentle as you teach him to do better. If he fails to respond to your patient instruction, it then becomes appropriate to administer some well-defined consequences (e.g. he may have to work to pay for the item he abused or be deprived of its use). Childish irresponsibility, however, is very different from willful defiance, and it should be handled more patiently.

Use time out. 

A very useful tool to help with defiant, disobedient behavior in children is time out. Time out is a moment when the parents or caregivers place a child in a boring corner to give them a moment to consider their actions and as a punishment for bad behavior. This is a primary discipline tool for those parents and caregivers who chose not to spank and for those caregivers of children in state custody when corporal punishment is not allowed.

After an episode of misbehavior, defiance or rebellion, place an appropriate size chair facing a boring, out of the way corner of the room, with the child facing the corner. You should allow no food, beverages, books, toys or screens during a time out. There should be no entertainment, this is punishment time. It should be boring.

In a time-out, a child must sit quietly and respectfully, facing the corner for one minute for each year of their age. For example, a two-year-old should have a two-minute time-out. The time-out doesn’t begin until the child is quiet. Before it starts, calmly explain what you expect from them. It is also advisable to explain how a time-out works at a time when the child is not upset, so they know what to expect.

When time outs are first implemented, a two minute time out may take an hour or two to accomplish. You must hold the child in the chair until their fit stops and they choose to obey you and be submissive. Then, start the timer. Once the needed punishment time is ended, they are released. It’s that simple.

Of course, children will test your resolve with their screams and fits as you implement your time out strategy. Screams and fits are the primary strategy that young children employ to get their way and rule their parents. They are quite good at throwing fits. Parents must win every confrontation or it will only strengthen your child’s resolve to be disobedient and rule you.

Parents implementing time out strategies for their children must be patient and kind, but also firm. Your child must be quiet and submissive before the time starts and through the required time. Only then can they be released.

Time out for the child is time in for the parent. You must fully engage during a time out. With repeated successful time outs, children become responsive and submissive to parental authority. The time outs become much easier over time.

Keep corrective actions brief. 

After addressing a child's disobedience, avoid prolonged punishments that can frustrate and exasperate them. Time-outs should last only a few minutes, not hours, and no punishment should extend into the next day. For young children, avoid removing privileges for long periods, as they are concrete thinkers who live in the moment; they may forget the reason for the punishment. Major penalties, like losing a trip to see grandparents, should also be avoided. Young children learn to control their impulses over time, and simple, consistent discipline fosters obedience. For most infractions, a quick time-out is sufficient: one minute for each year of life. 

Reassure and teach after the confrontation is over. 

After a conflict in which the parent has asserted their role as the leader, especially if it caused tears for the child, it’s important to love and reassure the youngest children aged 2 to 7 (or older). Open your arms and let the child come to you. Hold them close and express your great love for them. Rock them gently, and if they ask why they were punished, explain how they can avoid the issue next time. The goal of discipline is not to create emotional distance but to correct lovingly. Discipline is not about releasing your anger, but about teaching your child to obey you with love.

Avoid impossible demands. 

In applying disciple, be sure that your child is capable of meeting your expectations. For example, do not punish your child for involuntarily wetting the bed, not being potty-trained by age 2, or struggling academically when they are not yet capable of success in these areas. These unreasonable demands place your child in an unsolvable conflict, which will cause issues in your relationship with them in the future. Issues that stem from immaturity or medical conditions cannot be resolved through discipline; they require time, maturity and/or appropriate treatment.

Let love be your guide.

A relationship between parent and child that is characterized by genuine love and affection is likely to be a healthy one. Parental love should be the guiding force behind any form of discipline given to a child, ensuring that it is both compassionate and constructive. When discipline comes from parental love, it is aimed at helping the child learn and grow, rather than simply punishing them for mistakes, unmet expectations or venting parental anger. Kindness, gentleness, understanding, patience, and support are all aspects of the self-sacrificial love that a parent should have toward their children. Discipline, guided by parental love, seeks to teach rather than instill fear, fostering a nurturing environment where the child feels safe to express themselves, make mistakes, and then learn from them.

Agreement and support.

Mom and Dad must agree on when and how to discipline their children. Parents must be supportive and consistent, not allowing the child to win the battle by dividing the parents and thus conquering them.

The nurturing, stable, loving environment of a family is of vital importance to children as they grow up. Take the lead in your child’s life. Be involved. Teach them. Train them. Discipline them. But most of all, love them.