PARENTING PHILOSOPHY

Truth and Grace, two pillars of parenting:

Integrating the principles of truth and grace, as modeled by the life of Jesus Christ, is crucial for parents as they develop their skills in parenting their children. Although these principles are very different and often held in tension, both pillars are essential for parents to apply effectively.

Parents often ask us in an office visit the following question: what should I do when my child misbehaves and/or throws a fit, a temper tantrum? Should I press for their obedience or give in to their demands and let them rule?

Parents are actually grappling with complex questions about parenting philosophy. They wonder how to respond to their child's misbehavior: Should they spank, comfort with a hug, or simply ignore it? When faced with a child's temper tantrum, should their first response be rooted in truth or in grace? Both approaches represent a different way of addressing the same situation.

Much like the two towering pillars that hold up the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, truth and grace are crucial supports in the framework of effective parenting. Truth provides a solid foundation of discipline and integrity, while grace offers the flexibility of love and understanding needed by all children. Together, these two principles guide parents on how to navigate a child safely through the journey of life toward maturity and independence. Truth and grace are both needed to raise healthy kids. “Yes child, I love you! And, by the way, you have to mind me!”

We are told that in John 1:14 that Jesus was full of grace and truth. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” (NIV)

Let us first describe grace-filled parenting. Jesus exemplified grace through His actions and teachings. He displayed love to others, met needs, extended forgiveness, and showed compassion. His death on the cross perfectly illustrates His life of sacrificial love and grace.

Grace-filled parenting involves offering unconditional love, forgiveness, and understanding to our children, helping them learn and grow from their mistakes. By practicing patience, kindness, and empathy, parents create a nurturing home environment essential for healthy child development. Inspired by the teachings of Jesus, parents are called to extend unconditional love and attentively provide for their children’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Emphasizing grace helps children feel valued and boosts their self-esteem, encouraging them to become kind and empathetic individuals.

Grace-filled parenting manifests as love, mercy, gentleness, and compassion, fostering open communication, emotional connection and security which are vital for a nurturing trusting parent-child relationship. It's a hug, a kiss, a soft kind word, a softening of rules, gentleness, a gentle touch, consoling words, and accomodation to a child's needs and wishes at certain crucial times.

Truth-filled parenting is a needed counterbalance to grace. Jesus was not only full of grace, He was also the Incarnate Truth, the living embodiment of God’s truth. Jesus made truth clear and accessible to everyone by His actions and teaching. He perfectly upheld and obeyed all of God’s laws and always spoke the truth even when it was difficult. When people seeking profit desecrated the purpose and holiness of the temple in Jerusalem, Jesus restored its sanctity by overturning the money changers’ tables and driving them out with a whip, thereby reclaiming it as a holy place accessible to all. Only this aggressive action would restore the right use of the temple. Thus, truth could be described with words like obedience, discipline, correction, zeal, instruction, nurture, admonition, honesty, telling the truth and adherence to God’s laws and, by extension, adherence to parents' commands and society’s law.

By setting clear boundaries and consistent rules, parents guide their children to understand and respect the laws and principles that foster moral development and personal responsibility. Discipline and training is the primary way a child is taught to discern right from wrong.

Discipline is necessary for making wise choices, both in childhood and into adulthood. Discipline for children should be seen as an expression of love, redirecting them toward the right path. This involves teaching them to respect rules and other people, obey their parents, and recognize the consequences of their actions. Raising children to be obedient to God and to their parents involves setting clear boundaries and expectations. God’s laws emphasize that children should honor and obey their parents.

Just as Jesus demonstrated commitment to righteousness by cleansing the temple, parents must instill the same values of integrity, justice, and obedience in their children. By consistently maintaining needed obedience and explaining the reasons behind rules, parents help their children understand the importance of living with integrity and responsibility. This approach fosters a sense of righteousness and fairness within the family and society as a whole. In other words, truth-filled parenting cultivates children of good character.

Parenting with both grace and truth involves striking a delicate yet essential balance between these two crucial principles. Truth and grace are often held in tension, with each being needed at different times. Together, they form a framework that guides parents in choosing the appropriate actions for any given moment. Parents must discern when to communicate with grace and when to stand firm in truth. They should unconditionally love their children while ensuring that their discipline and guidance are neither overly permissive nor unnecessarily harsh. By doing so, children learn about both the boundless love of God and the important life lessons of obedience and respect toward others.

The following words might be spoken by a parent if truth-filled parenting was needed in a particular situation:

• “You must hold still while I change your diaper.”
• “I’m not going to feed you again in the middle of the night. The doctor says you are now old enough to make it until the morning. Our whole family needs their sleep. You must wait until the morning.”
• “No, you cannot sleep in my bed tonight. You must sleep in your own bed tonight.”
• “Hitting and biting are not okay. Use your words to explain how you feel please. You are going to time out!”
• “Ok, it’s time to pick up your toys and put them in their places.”
• “Stop! If you run into the street, I’m going to spank you on the bottom!”
• “I expect you to follow the rules we set for screen time. Give me your device, it’s 9:00 pm, screen time curfew.”
• “It’s important to finish your homework before playing video games. The video games are off for the rest of the night."
• “That’s it! Coming home after your curfew time is for your safety. Following it shows respect for our rules and driving agreement. You’re grounded from driving for a week.”

The following words might be spoken by a parent if grace-filled parenting was needed in a particular situation:

• “Are you hungry? Here is some warm milk.”
• “Don’t cry! I can clean up your spilled milk.”
• “It’s storming outside. That loud noise is thunder! Are you scared? Yes, you can come sleep in my bed for now.”
• “I’m sorry you fell down, here is bandaid and a hug! Want to snuggle with mom?”
• “What kind of a birthday party do you want?”
• “My Child, did you know that I love you very much.” (the parent places a kiss on the child’s cheek)
• “I’m sorry you have the flu. You can play video games as much as you want today.”
• “You did such a good job on your homework! Let’s go get a treat at the ice cream shop.”
• “I’m sorry you lost your dog today. Yes, you can keep your cell phone for the evening and talk to your friends past your curfew. It’s been a very hard day and I know that hurts! I love you.”
• “You haven’t been yourself for the past few weeks. You seem sad and disinterested in life. You might be depressed. Honey can we talk about this? I want to help you.”

Most parenting books from the past few decades strongly emphasize the importance of grace and love in raising children. While grace-filled parenting is undoubtedly essential, few of these books address the equally crucial aspect of truth-filled parenting. This imbalance highlights a significant gap in the needed guidance provided to parents and caregivers on how to raise children. To address this, let’s focus on the often-overlooked but vital topic of child discipline. “Child you must learn to obey.”

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6